The manifestation of grief may present itself after the loss of anything; a relative, friend, partner, pet, job, we can even grieve an intangible loss, such as an anticipated life goal or a sense of ‘self identity’. 

Grief is a cycle of emotions that can be very frustrating and confusing with everyone responding to it differently. Sometimes it’s hidden, other times very visible, there’s no precise measurement for it, nor a guaranteed ‘quick fix’. Negative feelings such as depression, hopelessness, anger or self-loathing are a completely normal part of the grieving process, so if you are experiencing any of these things, be patient. 

 

The way we react to difficult times is critical to how quickly we heal. We can’t control the emotions that we feel, but we can control how we respond to them, attempt to understand them and be patient with ourselves and others. Most of us have indulged in self-pity at some point, and it can be comforting to a certain extent, but whilst everyone is entitled to their feelings, you should never react by sabotaging your own livelihood. 

Understanding where your emotions are coming from is SUPER important. Grief will bring up stuff, it will bring up SHIT stuff, don’t run from it! Identify it, write it down, talk about it, sit with your emotions. If you don’t confront it and try to understand it, it is likely you will become overwhelmed with all the different emotions you are feeling without processing WHY? 

Leading to you acting out, breaking down or lashing out at others. 

You know what I am talking about… we have all done it, lashed out at parents, siblings, boy/girlfriend because of some other crap in our lives that we haven’t completely given ourselves the chance to process yet. Yep, I see you. 

 

My own experience with grief was quite a heavy experience and I do want to be clear, you do not have to be going through something as huge as this to be experiencing grief. Your emotions and feelings are still valid and very much real and you will get through it…

My experience with grief  ties back to a string of horrible events and losses that began in June 2019, I can say before then I had never lost anyone close to me in my life, and the following 3 months I endured the loss of 3 friends to suicide, a family member to cancer, I was fired from my job and then I decided to leave uni. I was in a very hopeless state to say the least, this was a heartbreaking time that felt like a never ending battle, like there was something bad waiting at every corner, as they say, when it rains it storms...

Losing someone to suicide is a really horrible experience, I personally found there was and still is a lot of guilt in the healing process, a lot of “I should have done this’ and “what if’s”. Essentially I felt like I could have saved my best friend, and didn’t. Through the heartache, I had to learn to navigate through the emotions of grief that I and many others in my community had never experienced before. 

My mum actually gave me a picture of a grief cycle and all the emotions involved in it. It honestly made things a lot clearer for me during the early stages because I was able to identify the emotions that I was feeling and understand where the anger, despair, or hopelessness and so on were coming from.
A weird thing I noticed during this time also, was my memory was horrible like literally total BRAIN FOG... It felt terrible. I couldn't remember memories with my friends who had passed and couldn’t remember what I had done that week. It was a really weird time for me… 

 

The biggest thing that helped during this time was not pushing past my limits, I definitely needed a break and I let myself have it. I was super lucky to have an amazing support network, most who were also experiencing feelings of grief and going through similar losses at the same time, this was good as we all just understood each other. 

 

It’s been two years since I had to go through my journey of grief, there have been moments since where I still go back to some of the thoughts of guilt, sadness, disbelief but I am overall in a much clearer peace of mind. Time can not bring anyone back but it gives you space to heal and accept what has happened, so let yourself. 

 

I think to prepare yourself for hard times and overall know yourself better everyone should make sure they identify that place or person that makes them feel safe and understood and find that thing or place that makes you feel re-energised. Then we have some of the tools to help ourselves navigate through unexpected hard times

 

I’m in a way better and clearer place now and it took a lot of self evaluation and acceptance. No matter what you are grieving, you are not alone and there will be times where you fall back into that ‘hole’ of self pity and darkness but there are always better days ahead and you should never give up. I really recommend speaking up about how you're feeling and letting yourself actually feel your emotions before trying to move on. 

 

Lots of Love, Natalia 

Have you had an experience with grief? 

What helped you get through it?
Let us know in the comments or share your story in ‘The Jelani Project’ link for others to learn from you!